Reflecting - Feeling Guilty for Pregnancy

So I have to admit, the only reason why I even remember the exact date of this is because I set a recurring reminder on my work calendar. Two years ago tonight I peed on stick, hoping for the first time in my life to see two lines. I knew I was taking the test a few days too early and that I was doing it at night, they say morning pee is the best. Eric was at grad school, I was home alone. But I had a cabinet full of these things and in typically Katie fashion, I am not good with waiting. So I did it, hoping to see two lines, but not really expecting it. 

Holy Heck! Is that for real? Those two little lines showed up faster than I could say “crap is this really happening?”

Could we be this lucky? Could it have happened this fast? My first initial feeling was actually guilt. I know I've talked about it before, but I don’t think I've ever written it. I felt guilt that this time around we were one and done. I know just how lucky we were that our journey to get us here, to this positive test, that really all the stars needed to aligned. And as much as we wanted that, we planned for that, we tried for that, I never had to feel those over the top, I am yearning for this kind of stuff. I never cried over conceiving a child, I never cried for something that for some reason wasn't happening faster, I never had days and months full of thoughts around getting pregnant. For us, for this time around, it happened just like that.

I carried that guilt for a long time. That guilt kept me from being over the moon excited for a long time. I felt like I needed to so thankful every second of the day and if I wasn't then this gift would be taken away from me to teach me a lesson to not take it for granted. I still fear that I’ll have a hard lesson to learn later, maybe with our next child, or maybe with something else. 

It honestly wasn't until the day I met my daughter that the guilt left me. I fell for Raegan hard. My heart didn't have room anymore to hold the guilt. So instead, I love her. I thank God for her. I tell her every single day how beautiful she is and how lucky we all are to have each other